Our brain consists of three parts. The oldest part is our reptile brain, which encompasses our survival instinct, hunting instinct and our territorial behavior (defense). Our mammalian brain lies above the reptile brain and is evolutionarily “younger” in age. It includes our behavioral patterns that are important for our coexistence in groups – such as our emotions, social bonding, and hierarchies. The youngest, outermost area is our human mammalian brain. It contains our more complex skills, such as our mathematical understanding, creative skills, language, and strategic thinking processes. In this youngest brain area, we link our past experiences with fears or wishes for our future, and develop appropriate action steps.
The Human Energy Saving Model
Our organism uses routines as an energy saving model. Such routines enable us to conserve our resources and act more effectively without having to think about our repetitive actions every time. The behavior and reaction patterns we use every day routinely are thereby managed more efficiently, saving us both energy and time.
There is a reason for everything our organism does. Each behavioral pattern has a purpose and meaning to it. At some point in our lives, these patterns served us – be it for overcoming challenges or for avoiding harm. We learned and used these patterns for our own survival!
That said, we adjusted our behavior, because that adjustment was vital for us at some point. For example, we may have learned to act according to the needs of others, not to make ourselves vulnerable, not to be punished or devalued, or not to make mistakes. These patterns may have worked for us in the past – but they may no longer work for us in our current living conditions. Perhaps now, they even make us sick, stress us, lead us into interpersonal problems or trigger fear – for example, when we don’t “work perfectly” or lose control.
We have survived until today thanks to these patterns. But over time, they may no longer serve us, because our living conditions have changed (e.g. as adults, we’re not “subordinate” to our parents anymore). If that’s the case, then we need to reevaluate those patterns for us and, if necessary, adjust them.
Human Life in Survival Mode
We also have three evolutionary mechanisms that serve our life and survival. For example, we have an alarm mode anchored in us that makes us alert and instructs us to “fight or flight.” We also have a human drive that moves us to hunt for food, possessions, partners, power, or status. And we have a care mode that only gets activated when we don’t see any threats around us, when everything is settled and taken care of. Then the care mode comes in to relax us. It promotes our regeneration and our social bonding, which further strengthens our sense of security.
Each of these three modes comes with corresponding hormonal and emotional stimuli, which in turn trigger our actions. The alarm mode, for example, releases stress hormones that make us vigilant and turn us to anger or fear. They mobilize us to fight a threat, escape, or freeze (i.e. we pose dead). The drive mode, on the other hand, triggers intense excitement and focuses our attention on a desired object. A hormone called Dopamine is released, which makes us feel elated once we succeed with our hunt.
Thanks to these three evolutionary modes, we learned and advanced as a species. We constantly adjusted and improved our behavior and performance – because optimizing our actions meant improved living conditions for us. We would not have survived as a human species without these optimization processes.
What is "Stress"?
When we apply tension to a material, then it is put under “stress.” The material either withstands this stress, or it breaks. The same applies to us humans. When we go under tension, then we get stressed. We have to be able to withstand this stress physically and mentally.
For us humans, stress is triggered either when we feel uncertain, overwhelmed or frightened (e.g. when we realize that we are not sufficiently prepared or that we have missed something important). Simply having a lot of work to do does not constitute "stress" by itself. Stress arises only when we are unable to cope with our workload. Thus, stress is a subjective feeling that everyone experiences differently.
So stress always arises when something catches us off guard, scares or overwhelms us. This in turn triggers the adaptation process of fight or flight as the very first impulse. If we have successfully coped with the stress, then we feel empowered. This positive experience in turn triggers us to further optimize our newly adopted skill sets.
Stress is part of our life.
We are well equipped for stress conditions. It’s normal that we find ourselves in stressful situations that challenge us. These challenges make us adapt, learn, and advance as a person and as a species.
If we comprehend “stress” as a natural and vital adaptation process to new challenges, then it can help us improve and strengthen our skills. And then, when we have successfully completed this adjustment process, our feeling of security and calm returns, even if we find ourselves in a new situation.
We adapted, and we are living on well in that new situation.
When Does Stress Make Us Sick?
Stress becomes a problem for us when we can’t perform the needed adjustments. Maybe what’s needed exceeds our strength or our personal ability to deal with the situation. Then we run into long-term stress, which we cannot endure for very long with our physical and mental reserves. It simply costs us too much energy.
The longer this state of stress lasts, the more exhausted we become, and our organism becomes damaged over time. At that point, our survival instinct can even alter itself into a self-destructive program.
Stress also becomes problematic if we don't want to adapt. When we decide to hold on to our old patterns, although they are no longer helpful to us in our current living conditions. The fight or flight program, for example, is no longer a helpful pattern for us in our contemporary society. It can lead to severe psychological and interpersonal problems. Instead, completely different skill sets are required now, such as social skills, creativity, linguistic agility, and particularly self-compassion.
Unfortunately, the very skills that we need today are disabled by our hormones and stress modes. In the “times of the saber tooth tiger,” we couldn't afford to think very long. That would have meant our certain death! If we don't want to be blindly exposed to our archaic nature, then we have to adapt our behaviors to the current times. Today, sensitivity and creativity are required – meaning, a completely different area of our brain.
The Art of Living in Balance
As with many things in our lives, the art lies in the balance. We need to strike a conscious balance between our fight-flight, hunting-craving, and caring-rest modes. Otherwise, we will run into massive energy deficits, since our energy consumption runs much higher than the energy we can gather to compensate.
So the secret of our health lies in our balance – in attaining a balanced equilibrium between waking and sleeping, tension and relaxation, work and rest. In order to maintain our energy reserves and to stay healthy.
Like a craftsman needs his tools, we also need tools for this challenge. Our tool is our body. We have to nurture and care for our body, so that it can function properly. For example, a car needs to be maintained regularly with oil and petrol. Likewise, we need self-care as maintenance for ourselves.
Providing us this self-care is not a luxury.
It is essential for our survival
— and it helps us regain access to our higher functions.
How Can We Activate Our Self-Care Mode?
Since stress occurs in our evolutionarily older brain structures (i.e. our limbic system), our self-care mode is not accessible by our smartest words. But we can activate it through our sensory perceptions. These include sound (also tone of voice), touch, warmth, smell and colors. For example, if we gently touch an angry person, or if we wrap ourselves into a cozy blanket, then our sensory perceptions activate our self-care modus. Mindfulness towards ourselves gives us security in these situations.
So we cannot “talk away” our stress. In moments of acute stress, our brain has to feel that we are safe. We achieve this sensation by experiencing pleasant, calming impulses. For example, when we feel loving touches, perceive pleasant scents or hear soft sounds. Then our “feel-good” hormone, Oxytocin, is released. This in turn has a balancing and calming effect on our mind and reduces the release of stress hormones. It’s that simple! And if we can't wait for someone to hug us, then we can learn to do it ourselves.
The Practice of Self-Care in Everyday Life
If we make ourselves comfortable, like we do it here on this blog when we prepare for our exercises, then we give ourselves mindful self-care and a sense of security. We learn to treat ourselves kindly. By doing so, we activate our self-care mode, which in turn calms down our organism.
This is how we get to know ourselves, and also our patterns: We observe, listen and talk to ourselves in a well-meaning manner. We start to take care of ourselves in order to calm down. Through slower movements of our body, we learn to feel how we can gently dissolve our hardness against ourselves. We do this in order to acquire new patterns – adapted patterns, that correspond better with our current times and needs, for our own survival, health, and evolutionary advancement.
If we become aware of our self-destructive behaviors, then we can consciously stop them. By living mindfully, we will recognize these mechanisms. Once we realize that our self-destructive behaviors are nothing but patterns of our past that show us how others have dealt with us in our lives – then we can consciously exit these patterns. At the same time, we can internalize loving behavior and trust that we have received from others, to pass it on to ourselves and to others.
In sum, our behavioral patterns and experiences are just ghosts of our past that want to keep us under their control. They accompany us throughout our lifetime. We can recognize them as patterns and as words we use to sabotage a healthy life for ourselves – words that deprive us of compassionate self-care.
The good news is: Our self-compassion is our own, active decision now. We can learn to approach ourselves. We can look into the processes we are currently caught in, and we can then consciously leave that self-destructive path.
We set the priority for ourselves – we decide.
For example, we might get upset about our body when it’s not working properly. "Great, now of course my back has to start hurting again!" Such reactions keep our attention trapped in a self-destructive mode. We pretend to be in control – but in fact, we just complain to ourselves what’s wrong with us.
It's that easy:
What we focus our attention on is what occupies our mind.
If we focus our attention on things that seem catastrophic or that don’t work for us, we feel increasingly stressed and insufficient. But we actually have a deep longing in us to just be sufficient as the person we are! And we could fulfill that longing for ourselves – by saying: "I can be like I am." Or by lovingly turning to our aching back and saying: "May you soon regain your strength and health."
Such constructively expressed, well-meaning wishes draw our attention to what’s healing, to what nourishes us. And that, in turn, relaxes our stress system.
The processes of our organism always follow our attention. Our reactions and impulses always follow what we focus on with our body and mind.
If we make ourselves believe that it’s better to criticize or corner ourselves, then we are sabotaging our own system. If we notice us doing this, however, then we can break free from it. As a consequence, this self-destructive mechanism will lose its power and influence over us. We will feel relieved because we address what we are actually longing for. We will find healing and relaxation in the fact that we can just leave things there – by simply observing mindfully what is happening, without judging it.
Returning to our Fundamental Sense of Trust
Once we stop following our old patterns and let our discomforts come and go, then we will eventually regain our trust in ourselves. Our basic trust. Our confidence in our ability to treat ourselves in a friendly manner. Because then we will realize: Nothing bad results from treating ourselves well! We turn to ourselves, quietly and calmly. We just stay here with us. By doing this, we demonstrate to ourselves that there is no threat in doing so. Over time then, we will perceive that comforting self-care as pleasant, and it will give us security.
We are our own “savior.” This is all about making a powerful and conscious decision against continuing archaic behaviors that exercise their power over us. We are free to choose what we do and how we create our own lives. We can choose mindfulness, kindness and self-care for ourselves. We can shape our lives freely! Other people – be it therapists, doctors or friends – can accompany us, but the implementation is up to us.
And that’s liberating!
We merely have to learn to formulate well-meaning wishes for ourselves that are constructive and positively phrased. We start with that. It’s a simple compassionate act towards ourselves, to stop our self-destructive thoughts.
The Rule is:
Keep away from self-criticism!
Stop. Cross your heart. Breathe. Pause.
Then, formulate a well-meaning wish to yourself.
Instead, formulate well-meaning wishes for yourself, such as: "May I find ways to be more friendly with myself." "May I be happy with myself." "May I be caring and loving with myself."
We don't need a specific solution to do this in our everyday lives. It is sufficient to keep ourselves mindful in the present moment. And the more often we formulate well-meaning wishes, the more we train our language for self-care, and the more we move towards mindful self-compassion.
So the instruction, in brief: Stop. Cross your heart. Breathe. Pause. And then formulate a well-meaning wish that relaxes the situation.
We stay with us for a moment. And then we continue with our day.
Over time, by doing so we will become calmer and more centered. The more we practice this self-care, the more we will feel its healing effects. Especially when we are stressed, our self-destructive patterns gain the greatest power over us – thus, it is particularly in these moments where we also gain the greatest influence over them!
To prepare for practicing self-care in our everyday life, we will now do a meditation for self-compassion. The meditation is led by Kristin Neff, the founding mother of Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC).
Make yourself comfortable in an upright, comfortable sitting position. Give yourself a little time to center yourself. Feel the floor beneath you. Then consciously focus your attention on your body.
When you are ready, click below to start the meditation.
By practicing this meditation a few times, you will train your ability to exit self-destructive spirals. Even in the smallest moments of stress, you can pause briefly and pay attention to what is happening in you. That way, you will disable the stress cascade and its destructive patterns. It will replace your self-destructive autopilot with immediate compassionate self-care.
You can start each day with a brief self-care practice in the morning. Right after getting up, start your day with a self-compassionate wish for yourself. Do the same again at the end of the day, before going to bed.
For the time being, this is all about getting used to practicing self-compassion and solidifying it as a new pattern. Thus, it is important to acquire self-care as a new tool for yourself – just like the craftsman sharpens his tools – so that you can use it as effectively as possible in your everyday life.
For this daily morning and evening practice, you can either use your own words (see my suggested text below), or the following short version of the self-compassion meditation by Kristin Neff, which only takes 5 minutes:
If you prefer to use your own wording, then you may use (or adapt) the following text for your morning and evening wishes:
Wherever you are: Sit or stand upright with a dignified posture. It doesn't matter whether you are sitting or standing. You can leave your eyes open or closed, whichever is more convenient for you right now.
Now focus your attention on yourself and observe what thoughts are going through your head.
Then consciously perceive what emotional impulses are active in you. Do you feel troubled? Or, fear? Sadness, or joy?
Now be mindful to your body sensations. Do you feel warm or cold? Any pain, or tension? Or the opposite – comforting relaxation, no pain?
Allow yourself to perceive these experiences – register them, and recognize how they are present in you. At the moment, it is only about collecting information about the current situation. Even if it makes you uncomfortable.
Now bring all your attention back to your breath – feel it, gently and kindly. Breath after breath.
Now put your hands on your heart. Feel the warmth of your hands on your heart.
Now you know what's on your mind. What do you wish for yourself? What can support you now?
Let a harmonious, benevolent wish arise from your heart now. For example, "May I be safe." "May I be happy." Or, "May I be relaxed."
Now observe what happens when you let this wish flow inside you with your breath. Very gently, very relaxed.
May I be happy." "May I be calm." "May I find healing solutions for myself."
Now finish the exercise. Take a deep breath. Stretch yourself, and then proceed with mindful self-compassion to the tasks that now lie ahead of you.
Try to allocate short breaks each day for this practice of mindful self-compassion – do it whenever you feel that it might help you. It is best to begin the short version after first practicing the full version of the mindful self-compassion meditation a couple of times. That way, the shorter meditations will have a greater effect.
Our Exercises for Today
In the coming days, watch yourself when you get stressed. Observe when you fall into your hunting or desire modes. Pay attention to specific body symptoms, such as body tension, or reactions of anger or fear.
Also carefully observe your internal destructive language, thought and behavior patterns over the next few days. See when and how you talk to yourself. Do you use friendly or self-critical words with yourself? Who used these words with you before?
Notice if/when you care for yourself when you are upset. What do you do? Do you withdraw, breathe, or perhaps intuitively put your hand on your heart?
Start to implement what you learn here on this blog in your everyday life. For example, observe when you are punishing or dealing destructively with yourself. Try to slowly loosen this knot – by better understanding the mechanisms and their causes. Over time, it will become easier for you to exit these patterns.
In addition, practice your well-meaning wishes for yourself every day – preferably at first with the longer version of the mindful self-compassion meditation, and then several times a day with your short self-practice. It’s very simple: Every time you notice a self-destructive thought, then immediately counter it with a well-meaning, constructive wish for yourself!
I wish you many first successes while you’re trying out these exercises.
— Annegret Hannawa